The silent warrior

 AUGUST 22ND , 2020 SO in this pandemic I am helpless to help my child. My husband has become reckless.  Just bcoz I had asked him to avoid going out for leisure like tennis until the covid cases start decreasing, he made it a point to go.....nearly everyday. I am not even sure if he is going for tennis. He has forbidden me to call up any of his friends to ask where he is if he is late or doesn't decide to tell me where he has been. So tonight (22nd august, Saturday), he left the house at 6pm without exactly telling me where he is going or when he will be back. My little child held on to him as he wanted to go out too. It breaks my heart to see my toddler hang on to his father like that.....just so he gives him more time. He was gone from 6pm to 2:30am.  I had called him up around 11pm as dinner was getting cold. He was barely whispering as if he didn't want anyone else to hear. Didn't tell me where he is or what time he will be back. Just instructed me to go to sleep and...

 AUGUST 17TH 2020 After raging and storming and erupting like crazy yesterday my narc husband is watching standup comedy, sitcoms, laughing and enjoying himself like nothing happened! He abused and humiliated me so much yesterday. Said such hurtful and awful things that I can never forget. Now it's like he has absolutely no memory of what happened or how monstrous he behaved yesterday in front of my toddler. I feel so angry and helpless. Don't narcs have any remorse? Don't they even pretend to have remorse or in some ways show they are sorry? I know narcs can't apologize and even if they do its fake as there's no accountability.  But really do they ever feel any sort of regret after an avalanche of verbal and emotional abuse and agression?

 AUGUST 15TH 2020 UPDATE: From my last post and the underlying seething rage of my narc husband which I was facing from yesterday. I don't know where to start. I knew it was coming. He erupted. A volcanic eruption today afternoon. ☹ Last night after he was  silent about where he went or what he was upto, I didn't persist on asking him after one try.  I couldn't sleep whole night bcoz I could see his internal seething rage as if it was a fire burning in his eyes and his silent treatment. Today morning, I got to my usual chores, feeding my baby, playing with him etc. Narc husband was awake by 12:30pm. I made a quick brunch and tea for him. He started playing with my son still ignoring me and behaving coldly. I told him to plz keep an eye on the baby as I needed to go to the bathroom and told him that his food was at the usual place. He didn't reply. As soon as I came back, he confronted me and placing his face v.close to mine in anger with eyes large and dark he started y...

 AUGUST 14TH 2020 I am quite stressed out. My husband came home angry today from office. He had "the look". He was angry at me. But he wouldn't say anything. Suddenly he changed his clothes to casuals and started going out again. I kept asking him "where r u going"....he just said- " let me come back and I will tell u....let me come back and I will let u know!" The tone was v.strict and harsh and threatening.  He came back after 3 hours. I waited for our baby to sleep. Then asked him- "where were u? U didnt tell me where u went." He had come back angry and was giving me "the look" off and on.  He replied-" whatever....ok". I repeated-" did u go for tennis match? Where did u go?" He looked like he was going to blow up....He just replied-" I will talk when we need to talk. Then u will know."  I asked-" when will we talk?"  He replied really agitated-"we will talk when we need to. I will see...

 AUGUST 12TH 2020 My narc at dinner time: I gave him to eat. He finished while I looked after our 2 yr old. Then I began to eat. He had this brilliant idea of cutting up mangoes and offering them to our son. Our kid was not interested. He felt slighted??? I don't know.....not sure. But he had this weird look on his face.  He approached me with the mangoes and offered them. I already had my plate full with bread and chicken. I politely asked him to put the bowl of mangoes on the kitchen countertop and I will eat them after I finish dinner. He seemed to get offended and angry. Narc (angry) : when I offer u something, u are supposed to take it. Me: I will eat the mangoes after I am done with dinner. Plz keep the bowl on the countertop.  Narc: what am I saying? When food is being offered, u don't refuse. Don't u have any manners at all? Me: I am trying to finish dinner. Once I am done I will take them. Narc: You don't get it do u? U have to be stubborn! If I wanted I cud ha...

AUGUST 9TH 2020 My narc husband blew a fuse tonight because my 2 yr old wasn't going to sleep. My baby jumped (not on him) on to the floor from our couch and he literally went bonkers.  Started yelling and screaming at me to put him to sleep. Said what a useless mother I am.....how I am not good enough to be a mother....I don't know how to handle a kid....I am an inefficient duffer who has just become a burden on his head.....how he is just fed up of me.... So he rants and goes off topic every time. Mom-shames me all the time!  He has called me a duffer so many times that I got angry and told him-" I guess that word is the only thing your parents ever taught you." He got crazy and kicked my toddler's buggy/car. My poor little kid looked on scared and shocked.  I failed miserably. 😔 I shouldn't have said anything. I shud have just remained silent. So much for gray rocking. Why is everything so damn hard?

For the past week I have been trying to get my family in on this. This treasure of information I have got my hands on. These videos on personality disorders that explains the abuse and suffering i have endured. The talks which make clear why my first husband behaved the way he did........or why my current husband is behaving the way he does. It's such a revelation. Feels like a divine message. Something that solves all the pieces of this puzzle to make a whole.  I am so relieved. I am sure they will be too if only they could listen to all this info.... They have suffered WITH me........FOR me. They have cried my tears too. They have known painful helplessness and hopelessness. They deserve to hear this.  But now they are not able to watch these videos. My parents have not been well. My brother is too busy.... .......and I feel abandoned. I know I have no right to feel this way. But after the intense, acute pain I have been through......I just need someone to share this with......

I wonder how and why I am still alive. Catastrophe after catastrophe of relationships Two- to be precise But two- too many My first suffered from Borderline personality disorder My second suffers from Narcissistic personality disorder Its killing me everyday My first atleast had the capacity to love and feel My second is cold like ice and sharp like shards of glass Don't know which is worse With my first I felt like I couldn't breathe With my second I feel like I don't want to breathe The pain is unbearable I am not able to take it anymore.... Will I ever find a way out?

Dear N, I know there's no way of reaching out to u now, inspite of having an idea about where you are, right at this point of time. I know presently you have a family , with a beautiful wife and kids. Indeed you have proved everyone wrong by reaching your goals and becoming successful. I am so happy for you. I hope and believe that you have sought therapy and after success, you have become a more calm and collected person full of self-confidence.  I am sure you have found the girl of your dreams in your current wife. How sweet and patient and accepting she must be! What a gem of a person! She has to be someone who truly understands you. I am sorry for all that happened all those years ago. I know you are too. Our relationship was forged through fire and we had to get burnt. It was always a roller-coaster of intense hyper-emotions. I got drowned in the gigantic waves of ups and downs and couldn't stay afloat. Whom could I even extend my hand to when you had disappeared from my s...

So it had to come to this. Its July 6th 2020. After 10 years of my first marriage and relationship, I come to know NOW what I went through.  All the confusion, doubts and enigma has evaporated away. I wonder why there was no youtube then. Oh wait! It was there but in its infancy. I didn't know anything about the medium yet, living in India. I don't even know if self-help videos on mental health (by renowned psychologists and psychiatrists) existed then. Today, I understand that my first husband "N" was suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. A disorder of emotional regulation with an intense fear of abandonment, paranoia, dissociation and splitting. Now I understand each and every word. I understand his psyche. It's only now I understand what he was going through.  He was not evil. He didn't want to hurt me intentionally or bully me to my grave. He just couldn't help himself!  His rage and doubts and verbal abuse were not of the menacing kind.........

The haze has lifted Its all so clear now Your behavior Of  burning arrogance And cold ignorance The narcissism entrenched In each molecule of your being The mean words Menacing demeanor  Empty eyes Devoid of emotion The lack of sympathy A snigger received In place of empathy The humiliation  And devaluation The gaslighting of all my emotions The rage which you never remember The selective amnesia  Of your bad behavior The rude, unkind words Which you sharpen in your One-sided conversations Where I am not allowed to speak And dare I disagree The flood of egotism And tsunami of conceit The obsessive lying In each heartbeat The mind-games you play And the cunning manipulation  I see it all now I have dissected each atom of your psyche You are not allowed  To play with me now I am a gray rock.

When u are alone In your fight And you have no strength  to be alone Who do you turn to? "No one can help you  If you don't help yourself" "Why don't you just get up and leave?" "Just run away" "Leave the baby with him and run" Oh, how easy it is for people to say such things! How simple to utter decisive words. Have you been in a siuation like this? You don't know the million chains that have held me, Who likes to die everyday? Who likes to be wounded upon a wound? I want to escape more than you say But I have a zillion things to think about I am broke in so many sense No money, no job, no driver's license, no car, no family, no roof, no emotional stability or confidence.... But a child An innocent toddler whom I love to death Whom I am responsible for And so I overthink and stress and worry and contemplate..... When I tell you my thoughts  Or my feelings Or my emotions I am not looking for sympathy  Or firm advice. All I need is...

It's an effort to breathe An effort to sleep An effort to think An effort to blink When you live in fear Everything is burden Personified.

She scribbles furiously Like there's no tomorrow Afraid that  there's no tomorrow And hoping That there's no tomorrow

One day I will break away One day I will leave While you stare Taken aback Helpless and aghast But I won't turn back!

Stop! Please stop! I wish I could make you stop From pouring all that venom Of toxicity  And singeing negativity Over my body And scarring my soul Making my mind Feel so numb What will be left of me? Just residual ashes.

Decaying In a corner In oblivion Wasted youth Wasted talent Misdirected ambitions Emaciated strength Withered hopes Loss of time Expensive expenditure Once time is lost Nothing comes back.....

You are My biggest regret  And  My fondest memory

I detach from myself And look down At the grave of my marriage And my deceased body Wandering and lost Like a ghost around it Trying to sniff out Some reassuring signs of life But the grave is so dead And dark and eerie The mud sheeting it tightly  Into a suffocating  And foul-smelling box Where there are only Decaying remnants Of destroyed dreams Sinews and remains Of a broken, bleeding heart Scraps of shattered hopes Tatters of necrosed love And feelings that were Never meant to blossom Muggy and wet with  Traumatic, throbbing tears A carcass of a relationship Left into skeleton and bones Too soon transformed into a pathology. There never was A healthy, thriving bond It had always been THIS diseased. The illness had only grown with time As I had numbed all sense of pain Anesthsized myself from hurt This colossal desensitization  Had been the solution to survive this.... This joke of a relationship That I couldn't even laugh at And crying wasn't allowed freely..... ...

I am a woman Since ages and beyond time I have endured Innumerable torment Making my heart sore Always carrying exhaustive load With determined dignity And a composed smile on my lips. I am a woman Who has birthed humanity Carrying heartbeats  Effortlessly in my womb And enduring immense pain During the birth of those beats. I am a woman who has been tormented To the brim  filling up oceans with tears Sometimes hyper-used to fulfill Wild, carnal desires and lusts And sometimes sold in markets For the same. I am a woman  Occasionally worn  As an adornment for men Who pride themselves About bestowing  Honor and veneration To me So that I can walk On earth with dignity. I am a woman Often at the merciless mercy of men Who  boast of how they protect And provide shelter to me And safeguard me The same being who has shielded These men in my  womb When they could barely whisper. I am a woman Since generations Bent and haggard Under the weight of Monumental ex...

You are the storm In my calm The distress in my peace The downward curve to my smiling lips The fainting of light In my moist eyes The dark grave in my life The hushed nightmare In my restless  sleep The wetness of my pillows Alone when I weep The drops of blood That drips from my heart The hurt that makes me tear apart The scar that burns my soul The fall in my frail hold The loneliness in my isolation The feeling of doom In my anguished moods You are the asphyxiation  When I try to breathe....

My pain is my own But i know That i am not alone There are many out there With crying eyes And bleeding hearts Losses after losses Entrenched in agony Pining and gasping  As their souls sob Heavy and hanging With untold miseries. Happiness may be a mirage It's a fleeting emotion  But pain is constant  In so many forms and formats It unites us like no other emotion.

I have split Into two One part of me  with the past memories Snuggled like treasure in my heart Other part of me Forcing those memories Out of my being Everyday becomes a war!

The robe of aching pain Which you adorned on me so lovingly To conceal my proficient identity I have worn it everyday With intense adoration  Wrapped tightly around my soul Until it becomes the shroud Of peaceful, merry death.

Why did you marry me? I am so mad right now At your convoluted theories Of cold conspiracies  I do not believe them I do not agree I have a right to have  My own mind I possess my own individual thoughts Thank you! I am not ignorant I am not stupid Your smugness About things you hardly know Makes me want to scream Your paranoia is enough To drive a person insane When you pace to and fro Lecturing in fake passion As I stay dead silent Forced to agree For fear of your rage How confined and controlled I feel How utterly helpless  Let me tell you Your head-strong arrogance Will take you nowhere Trapped in a delusional world Of warped and distorted theories You will sadly dwell there Don't teach me medicine For which I hold a degree Keep to your engineer's facts And sacrifice your mind's debree I won't hold a grudge Though you promise never to budge We could have agreed to disagree But your conceit will be in the way The haughtiness will always keep you From seeing the dawn ...

When I leave you You will know What you have lost But too late would it be To pull chains That have been set free When dust chokes you And cobwebs layer Like flimsy, sheets At every nook and cranny And the Chaos of an unkempt house Will begin to bite you  You will know What you have lost When the eerie silence Of a dark, depressing house Will gnaw at your senses And it will dawn on you That it was my silent presence And a gentle, delicate touch That made your house a home You will know What you have lost When the absence of scents Wafting from a busy kitchen Fills you up with the fragrance of longing And your ears  hurt  With the deprivation Of conversations and sounds You will know What you have lost. You will know when I am gone No home-cooked meals Or noises of vacuuming and dusting Or the silence of quiet wiping and mopping  Or the music of footsteps prancing The lack of my fragrance That used to mingle with the air You will realize, it's not there anymore The we...

My silent screams And the tortured wails Will be heard through the walls Of this dark, draconian house Long after I am gone. The gasps and sobs And whimpers and shivers Will remain buried In each molecule of wood Long after I am gone. My tears have not evaporated They remain absorbed and alive In all the inanimate that exists It will breathe my pain Long after I am gone.

I saw u as a synonym of love And experienced you as an antonym of this divine emotion. How blind in heart were you to not even know the difference.

So much to write So little time The seconds  Ride on the tail  Of a shooting star The minutes  On the wings Of a peregrine Falcon And the hours Betray in the blink of an eye Will I ever have time Enough to bleed my heart on paper? But most importantly  Will i ever have the words To  squeeze out The shudders of intense agony.......?

Greatness is not always achieved By becoming a super-hero When there are no opportunities. Chances to help don't find u You have to step-up and find them No life is mediocre No breath is wasted If you can't save the day By assisting a child out of a burning building Or flying across a bus to push away a blind person from an accident You can always seek your chances In helping an old lady cross the road Or become friends with an autistic child Or praise a buddy with low self-esteem Or wipe away the tears of an aunt who is in emotional turmoil Or perhaps just listen to someone Who really needs an eager ear Or go out of your way  To aid that  girl Who has approached you all broken With hopes of guidance and direction For you were once in her place And although you are now in your cocooned bliss You can step out of your comfort zone And sense of warm security  To do one more thing Over and above the request she has made Just to show you care There is the chance to achieve you...

I had opened just a hint of a peephole To sneak into those memories of yesteryear Taken aback by the tsunami of paintings And motion of live pictures that stormed into my unaware senses You had tiptoed again that day back into my heart With just a simple apology And the futile reminiscing . Oh how pointless And unproductive is was! To recollect those primitive colors Of life we had known The two of us together And yet never near enough The bond that had slid between our fingers Like sand slipping helplessly from the gaps Of shaky, sad hands Your rage and doubts and mistrust My tears and fears and screams It hit me hard that day When I read you again How desparately I had loved you With the intensity and emotions I could never put into words As if each pining breath of mine Depended on each loud beat of your heart And yet we could never hear eachother Or trust one another The color of our love was red Like the blood dripping from separated eyes The color of our love was crimson Like fir...

They say.... What you don't know Can't hurt u I don't know if your truly love me And it HURTS.

Kabhi hum sochenge.... Zarre bhar ki izzat badle Kitni takleefein jheli hai Tinke-tinke ki manzoori badle Kitni aazmaishein le li hai Kabhi hum sochenge.... Chutki bhar muskaan ki khaatir Kitne aansoo piroy hain Madham si roshni ke badle Kitni raat hum roye hain Kabhi hum sochenge..... Duniya ko khush karte-karte Udaasi dil mein utaari hai Dikhaawe ko bhi zeenat dena Rooh pe kitna bhaari hai Kabhi hum sochenge.... Insaanon se darte-darte Kitne khauff sulaaye hain Khwabon ke khushk aangan mein Aaj bhi hum paraaye hain Kabhi hum sochenge.... Wo samajhte nahi hain Na samjhenge, na samjhenge Lafzon ke surkh teeron se Jinko ghaayal karna hai Teekhi baaton se jinko Khaamoshi ko bharna hai Zor se kheench kar daaman ko Girey to aagey hasna hai Aur inhi logon ko khush rakhne mein Sadiyon ki udaasi  sehna hai Kabhi hum sochenge..... Zulm ki tapish sehte-sehte Zaalim ko galey lagana hai Dil ki aisi bebasi ka to Qissa shayad purana hai Marr gye to kaun royega Ke kafan to kab se bhaari hai Maut...

Oh u the lucky one The one who got away Who knew it was futile To chase after a mirage of love That would never come to fruition. That all the promises were lies Entangled in a cobweb of false dreams Woven to trap an innocent heart Do u know how lucky u got Before it was just too late And you would have bled tears Through your veins and heart Had you stayed a little longer The manipulation would have grown Strangled you stronger before u could have known And abuse would have throttled Your self-respect and pride The claws of humiliation would have gnawed at your sensitive side He would have torn you bit by bit Like some flesh-eating locust Until u cried in insane pain And screams and gasps would be imprisoned Inside your trembling lips Because u had been commanded not to breathe Your  sweet desires and dainty dreams would be crushed Under his cruel, conniving feet Until they turned to mournful dust And do u know how insignificant you would have been In f...

Heartbreaks Heartbleed Heartaches And survival U will find it all. Intense emotions of a journey called life