The fault in our stars

So it had to come to this. Its July 6th 2020. After 10 years of my first marriage and relationship, I come to know NOW what I went through. 
All the confusion, doubts and enigma has evaporated away.

I wonder why there was no youtube then. Oh wait! It was there but in its infancy. I didn't know anything about the medium yet, living in India. I don't even know if self-help videos on mental health (by renowned psychologists and psychiatrists) existed then.

Today, I understand that my first husband "N" was suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. A disorder of emotional regulation with an intense fear of abandonment, paranoia, dissociation and splitting. Now I understand each and every word. I understand his psyche.
It's only now I understand what he was going through. 
He was not evil. He didn't want to hurt me intentionally or bully me to my grave. He just couldn't help himself! 
His rage and doubts and verbal abuse were not of the menacing kind......the kind of abuse a Person with Narcissistic personality disorder exhibits. He couldn't help his doubts and rage. He was restless and scared. He didn't know how to end his own torture......his paranoid thoughts. 

His love was true and intense and real. His emotions were all over the place. Happy, sad, crying and angry all at the same time. It was so scary to watch that. His doubts that I was cheating on him arose from his intense fear of abandonment, the terror of feeling that I would leave him.
He HAD self-awareness. He KNEW anger was his problem. And he loved me oh so dearly and so intensely! While yelling and cursing and abusing at the same time. What a paradox that was. What a crazy union!
If only I had known clearly about this disorder 10 years ago, I could have better understood his psyche. I could have provided the support he needed from me as a wife. The numerous videos I watched on BPD for the past 3 days opened my eyes....only too late. 10 years late. My first love along with the first few dreams had been destroyed years ago.

Not understanding his behavior or the correct diagnosis, had made me feel helpless and hopeless. Our psychiatrist uncle wud hear my father out, describing "N's" behavior,but made all the wrong diagnoses unfortunately, ranging from bipolar to schizophrenia, which scared us more and more. He said "N" could be dangerous and I should leave him as long as I am alive.

"N" wouldn't agree to go to a doctor with me in person. It was as if he was always leaving me at the altar. Always abandoning me mid-way.
Everything was falling apart so quickly.
His family wouldn't help. They placed the blame on me and their answer to my concern about his mental health was- " oh u are crazy. You go see a doctor. He is perfect."

I felt I was losing my mind. "N" would keep testing me and my loyalty. The tests kept increasing and increasing setting me up for failure. And one day he decided that I had failed one such test of loyalty and became paranoid. He decided to leave a spy behind me and unlock the list of all my calls. 
Things went from bad to worse as I saw his mistrust and my inability to understand the reasons as to why he was bullying or harassing me. 

How it broke my heart!
How it still breaks my heart!
Today I got to know there was hope, however little.
Today i got to know about Dialectical behavioral therapy.
Today i read an article that said some symptoms of BPD like impulsitivity and paranoia remit on their own with age and maturity.

Today I heard there are high hopes for patients with BPD who go into therapy.

Today I read that the rate of relapse is low after proper therapy.

Today I came to know that "OUR LOVE" had a chance.

Today i cried those tears of 10 years ago once again.

Today I died a little once again.


[With the dawn of knowledge and realization and awareness, the restless has come back. I know now why they say curiosity killed the cat.
While the haze of that 1 year spent with you has lifted, my heart is throbbing with pain. I will never be the same again knowing I was the only one who could have saved our love.]

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Effort

It's an effort to breathe An effort to sleep An effort to think An effort to blink When you live in fear Everything is burden Personified.
Read more

The eerie silence of absence

 AUGUST 22ND , 2020 SO in this pandemic I am helpless to help my child. My husband has become reckless.  Just bcoz I had asked him to avoid going out for leisure like tennis until the covid cases start decreasing, he made it a point to go.....nearly everyday. I am not even sure if he is going for tennis. He has forbidden me to call up any of his friends to ask where he is if he is late or doesn't decide to tell me where he has been. So tonight (22nd august, Saturday), he left the house at 6pm without exactly telling me where he is going or when he will be back. My little child held on to him as he wanted to go out too. It breaks my heart to see my toddler hang on to his father like that.....just so he gives him more time. He was gone from 6pm to 2:30am.  I had called him up around 11pm as dinner was getting cold. He was barely whispering as if he didn't want anyone else to hear. Didn't tell me where he is or what time he will be back. Just instructed me to go to sleep and...
Read more

Obituary

I detach from myself And look down At the grave of my marriage And my deceased body Wandering and lost Like a ghost around it Trying to sniff out Some reassuring signs of life But the grave is so dead And dark and eerie The mud sheeting it tightly  Into a suffocating  And foul-smelling box Where there are only Decaying remnants Of destroyed dreams Sinews and remains Of a broken, bleeding heart Scraps of shattered hopes Tatters of necrosed love And feelings that were Never meant to blossom Muggy and wet with  Traumatic, throbbing tears A carcass of a relationship Left into skeleton and bones Too soon transformed into a pathology. There never was A healthy, thriving bond It had always been THIS diseased. The illness had only grown with time As I had numbed all sense of pain Anesthsized myself from hurt This colossal desensitization  Had been the solution to survive this.... This joke of a relationship That I couldn't even laugh at And crying wasn't allowed freely..... ...
Read more