The last letter

Dear N,

I know there's no way of reaching out to u now, inspite of having an idea about where you are, right at this point of time. I know presently you have a family , with a beautiful wife and kids. Indeed you have proved everyone wrong by reaching your goals and becoming successful. I am so happy for you. I hope and believe that you have sought therapy and after success, you have become a more calm and collected person full of self-confidence.  I am sure you have found the girl of your dreams in your current wife.

How sweet and patient and accepting she must be! What a gem of a person! She has to be someone who truly understands you.

I am sorry for all that happened all those years ago. I know you are too. Our relationship was forged through fire and we had to get burnt. It was always a roller-coaster of intense hyper-emotions. I got drowned in the gigantic waves of ups and downs and couldn't stay afloat. Whom could I even extend my hand to when you had disappeared from my sight?!!!

You had left me with your family and dove into your tsunami of books.

I could understand no part of what was happening to me. I felt like a puppet with the strings in your family's hands. How I craved to spend time with you but you were never there.

No, I couldn't understand any part of you or what you were thinking or why you would keep getting angry at me and hanging up the phone or why you didn't crave to be with me as much as I craved to be with you or why you couldn't keep me with you. I didn't understand your rage or your roller-coaster of emotions. I felt hurt.

I felt devastated. You were an enigma to me. I needed to protect my sanity as I felt I was going insane. 

The volley of mood swings you threw my way always caught me off-guard. One moment you loved me and the other you hated me.

One second I was your angel and then the next second i was a devil. 

The vacillations of your indecisive interpretations of my personality made me feel so confused and hurt. 

You were punishing me for something i had never done.

There was no R or S or M in my life. I never had an affair with anyone. It was only you. It was YOU all the time. I loved you intensely and unconditionally and passionately.  I couldnt imagine my life without you. 

But you kept on investigating and researching and investigating about my past and present, until I got scared of all the shame this would bring me.

I didn't know what to answer when people asked me why you were calling everyone up and asking if I was having an affair.

How painful it was for me! My own husband did not trust me. 

I had friends. I had family.  I had well-wishers. I had people who loved me.

But MY love was YOU. It was always YOU. And ONLY YOU. 

Would you believe me today?

Ofcourse its futile. Everything was over... years ago. None of this matters. 

We have gone through our own personal storms and emerged on the other side of different islands of destiny. 

But sometimes "Firsts" can never be forgotten. 

We met at a wrong time.

And we ended up paying a price too hefty.

My heart will always carry that deep scar of pain which singes a bit of my soul everyday.

Wish you all the best in life always!

I will never be the same again.

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I'll meet you there"- Rumi

💔

Yours truly,

Z