The silent warrior

For the past week I have been trying to get my family in on this. This treasure of information I have got my hands on. These videos on personality disorders that explains the abuse and suffering i have endured. The talks which make clear why my first husband behaved the way he did........or why my current husband is behaving the way he does. It's such a revelation. Feels like a divine message. Something that solves all the pieces of this puzzle to make a whole.  I am so relieved. I am sure they will be too if only they could listen to all this info.... They have suffered WITH me........FOR me. They have cried my tears too. They have known painful helplessness and hopelessness. They deserve to hear this.  But now they are not able to watch these videos. My parents have not been well. My brother is too busy.... .......and I feel abandoned. I know I have no right to feel this way. But after the intense, acute pain I have been through......I just need someone to share this with......

I wonder how and why I am still alive. Catastrophe after catastrophe of relationships Two- to be precise But two- too many My first suffered from Borderline personality disorder My second suffers from Narcissistic personality disorder Its killing me everyday My first atleast had the capacity to love and feel My second is cold like ice and sharp like shards of glass Don't know which is worse With my first I felt like I couldn't breathe With my second I feel like I don't want to breathe The pain is unbearable I am not able to take it anymore.... Will I ever find a way out?

Dear N, I know there's no way of reaching out to u now, inspite of having an idea about where you are, right at this point of time. I know presently you have a family , with a beautiful wife and kids. Indeed you have proved everyone wrong by reaching your goals and becoming successful. I am so happy for you. I hope and believe that you have sought therapy and after success, you have become a more calm and collected person full of self-confidence.  I am sure you have found the girl of your dreams in your current wife. How sweet and patient and accepting she must be! What a gem of a person! She has to be someone who truly understands you. I am sorry for all that happened all those years ago. I know you are too. Our relationship was forged through fire and we had to get burnt. It was always a roller-coaster of intense hyper-emotions. I got drowned in the gigantic waves of ups and downs and couldn't stay afloat. Whom could I even extend my hand to when you had disappeared from my s...

So it had to come to this. Its July 6th 2020. After 10 years of my first marriage and relationship, I come to know NOW what I went through.  All the confusion, doubts and enigma has evaporated away. I wonder why there was no youtube then. Oh wait! It was there but in its infancy. I didn't know anything about the medium yet, living in India. I don't even know if self-help videos on mental health (by renowned psychologists and psychiatrists) existed then. Today, I understand that my first husband "N" was suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. A disorder of emotional regulation with an intense fear of abandonment, paranoia, dissociation and splitting. Now I understand each and every word. I understand his psyche. It's only now I understand what he was going through.  He was not evil. He didn't want to hurt me intentionally or bully me to my grave. He just couldn't help himself!  His rage and doubts and verbal abuse were not of the menacing kind.........