The silent warrior

 AUGUST 17TH 2020 After raging and storming and erupting like crazy yesterday my narc husband is watching standup comedy, sitcoms, laughing and enjoying himself like nothing happened! He abused and humiliated me so much yesterday. Said such hurtful and awful things that I can never forget. Now it's like he has absolutely no memory of what happened or how monstrous he behaved yesterday in front of my toddler. I feel so angry and helpless. Don't narcs have any remorse? Don't they even pretend to have remorse or in some ways show they are sorry? I know narcs can't apologize and even if they do its fake as there's no accountability.  But really do they ever feel any sort of regret after an avalanche of verbal and emotional abuse and agression?

 AUGUST 15TH 2020 UPDATE: From my last post and the underlying seething rage of my narc husband which I was facing from yesterday. I don't know where to start. I knew it was coming. He erupted. A volcanic eruption today afternoon. ☹ Last night after he was  silent about where he went or what he was upto, I didn't persist on asking him after one try.  I couldn't sleep whole night bcoz I could see his internal seething rage as if it was a fire burning in his eyes and his silent treatment. Today morning, I got to my usual chores, feeding my baby, playing with him etc. Narc husband was awake by 12:30pm. I made a quick brunch and tea for him. He started playing with my son still ignoring me and behaving coldly. I told him to plz keep an eye on the baby as I needed to go to the bathroom and told him that his food was at the usual place. He didn't reply. As soon as I came back, he confronted me and placing his face v.close to mine in anger with eyes large and dark he started y...

 AUGUST 14TH 2020 I am quite stressed out. My husband came home angry today from office. He had "the look". He was angry at me. But he wouldn't say anything. Suddenly he changed his clothes to casuals and started going out again. I kept asking him "where r u going"....he just said- " let me come back and I will tell u....let me come back and I will let u know!" The tone was v.strict and harsh and threatening.  He came back after 3 hours. I waited for our baby to sleep. Then asked him- "where were u? U didnt tell me where u went." He had come back angry and was giving me "the look" off and on.  He replied-" whatever....ok". I repeated-" did u go for tennis match? Where did u go?" He looked like he was going to blow up....He just replied-" I will talk when we need to talk. Then u will know."  I asked-" when will we talk?"  He replied really agitated-"we will talk when we need to. I will see...

 AUGUST 12TH 2020 My narc at dinner time: I gave him to eat. He finished while I looked after our 2 yr old. Then I began to eat. He had this brilliant idea of cutting up mangoes and offering them to our son. Our kid was not interested. He felt slighted??? I don't know.....not sure. But he had this weird look on his face.  He approached me with the mangoes and offered them. I already had my plate full with bread and chicken. I politely asked him to put the bowl of mangoes on the kitchen countertop and I will eat them after I finish dinner. He seemed to get offended and angry. Narc (angry) : when I offer u something, u are supposed to take it. Me: I will eat the mangoes after I am done with dinner. Plz keep the bowl on the countertop.  Narc: what am I saying? When food is being offered, u don't refuse. Don't u have any manners at all? Me: I am trying to finish dinner. Once I am done I will take them. Narc: You don't get it do u? U have to be stubborn! If I wanted I cud ha...

AUGUST 9TH 2020 My narc husband blew a fuse tonight because my 2 yr old wasn't going to sleep. My baby jumped (not on him) on to the floor from our couch and he literally went bonkers.  Started yelling and screaming at me to put him to sleep. Said what a useless mother I am.....how I am not good enough to be a mother....I don't know how to handle a kid....I am an inefficient duffer who has just become a burden on his head.....how he is just fed up of me.... So he rants and goes off topic every time. Mom-shames me all the time!  He has called me a duffer so many times that I got angry and told him-" I guess that word is the only thing your parents ever taught you." He got crazy and kicked my toddler's buggy/car. My poor little kid looked on scared and shocked.  I failed miserably. 😔 I shouldn't have said anything. I shud have just remained silent. So much for gray rocking. Why is everything so damn hard?

For the past week I have been trying to get my family in on this. This treasure of information I have got my hands on. These videos on personality disorders that explains the abuse and suffering i have endured. The talks which make clear why my first husband behaved the way he did........or why my current husband is behaving the way he does. It's such a revelation. Feels like a divine message. Something that solves all the pieces of this puzzle to make a whole.  I am so relieved. I am sure they will be too if only they could listen to all this info.... They have suffered WITH me........FOR me. They have cried my tears too. They have known painful helplessness and hopelessness. They deserve to hear this.  But now they are not able to watch these videos. My parents have not been well. My brother is too busy.... .......and I feel abandoned. I know I have no right to feel this way. But after the intense, acute pain I have been through......I just need someone to share this with......